Sexual infidelity – we feel guilty unnecessarily

Summary: Sexual freedom in a relationship and infidelity is okay, but it's far from for everyone

Most people will be torn apart by unnecessary remorse and moral doubts that society has written into our minds when they cheat. They can't stand it and can hurt everyone around them. Cheating is not for the weak and doubters who are looking for themselves. You should know what you are doing, how not to hurt and how to hide it, and want the same freedom for your partner as you do for yourself.

The same sexual freedom is necessary for the partner

Few people can give their permanent partner sexual freedom or are honest with their lover. Even my best friends believed me only when they experienced it with their own eyes. If you can't do it, you can't demand it yourself, or rather - it's immoral. Most people can't give their partner this sexual freedom. So for them, their own sexual infidelity will always be immoral and unfair in this regard.

Sexual fidelity

In fact, what is more important for people is relationship fidelity. That is, being faithful primarily to a partner, or possibly to the family, and not to others. We understand sexual fidelity as proof of relationship fidelity, and secondarily as a guarantee of health safety.

Relational and sexual fidelity are relatively connected vessels for a woman. A woman largely perceives sex as a confirmation of a relationship or a reward for a man. A woman seeks sex to a relatively small extent as entertainment or a pleasant thing in itself (for more details, see the article What women want in men). A man usually perceives sex as pleasurable in itself (for more details, see the article What men want in women). A man thus has much more separate relational and sexual fidelity.

Mutual human touch is usually pleasant, whether it's a handshake, a caress, a hug or a pat on the shoulder. Desired intimate touch is much more pleasant. We are all set up this way by nature. However, for a woman, touching or even being intimate with a strange man is much riskier than vice versa. It is safer for a woman to stick with a man she already knows and possibly try to guide him. That's why women test men longer and then have a harder time leaving them than vice versa.

While a man has the opportunity for pleasant touches without risk in another woman, a woman balances pleasant touches against the risks of an unknown man. A man therefore often perceives infidelity as non-binding fun that does not disrupt the relationship of loyalty to a long-term partner. A woman resorts to sexual infidelity (with exceptions) only when something is not working.

In principle, sexual infidelity does not necessarily mean relationship infidelity. If you see your lover or lover once in a while and do not invest money in them, it is not relationship infidelity. You cannot be with your long-term partner and children 24 hours a day. Sometimes you are with a friend, whether you play football with him or cuddle, you are not taking anything away from the family. There is no need to blame yourself for such sexual infidelity in any way, as long as it does not take away resources for your family. Perhaps most real infidelities are like that. Those movie infidelities are usually discovered and "deservedly" punished educationally or even exemplary.

Even with those revealed infidelities that do not take up the partner's resources - time, money, sexual infidelity is not a major problem. Especially if the partner finds out that the lover does not threaten her and that it was a one-time issue, she no longer perceives it as a threat or an insult to her ego and deals with the matter only from the point of view of prevention - possible future threats. I never had any regrets about them. When my lovers cheated, I said that it was just fun for me and that I was happy with the woman and wanted to continue being with her. Which was true. Instead of punishment, it was more about negotiating better sexual care for me. And that's right. I didn't do anything wrong.

For the record, my wife is allowed to have other men, even though she's not interested in them. I'm forbidden from having other women. But more on that later.

Relationship infidelity

Most people object to sexual infidelity because emotions get involved and the unfaithful partner leaves the family. As I said above, most sexual infidelities are not relationship infidelities and do not break up families. If emotions get involved, then the problem is not sexual infidelity, but the original relationship itself.

Relationship infidelity is when you stay in a relationship with someone but yearn for someone else. That is truly reckless and selfish. You draw on the resources of your permanent partner while not counting on them in the future. If, however, you are not satisfied with your relationship, it does not mean forgetting to look for someone better just so that they do not break up the family. In capitalism and democracy, everyone should do what they do best. In relationships, everyone should find a partner with whom they feel good or, ideally, as good as possible. I would definitely not want to force or promise to keep a woman who would feel better with another man with me. I would not even tell a woman that she has found someone better and she has completely free options in this regard. The only thing that would bother me is if she kept her new partner a secret and artificially maintained our relationship, perhaps because of regrets or children, even though she knew that she did not want me.

Albert Einstein practiced extreme infidelity towards his first wife. In a letter, he even wrote to her that he would not talk to her or show any attention and that his wife would only cook and clean for him. He made no secret of his mistresses, saying that “A person should indulge in pleasure as long as it does not harm another person”. This is pure truth, but Albert Einstein did not live up to it in this regard at all. If his heart was clearly pulling him elsewhere or he did not want the woman at all, he should have divorced her immediately. Among other things, this shows the complexity of relationships between women and men – even such a rational mind as Albert Einstein could not cope with women at all, even though they constantly jumped into his bed in large numbers.

Infidelity can also be committed against a lover or boyfriend. If you promise them resources and partnership that you do not want to give them. For example, if you do not clearly state that you have commitments elsewhere or that you are just flirting. This is again wrong. A lover or boyfriend invests their resources in you in false expectations.

Reasons for loyalty

You will argue that one must think about children. But they can grow up in the alternating care of parents and some 40% children, and that is exactly how it is. Here, the argument is that one should have thought about finding a partner before marriage and children. But then we would all be alone and childless. You are more likely to meet the ideal partner in middle age, when you already know yourself and the opposite sex well, and at 40, for example, it is quite late to have children.

In studies, relationship experts – especially women – condemn infidelity and associate it with narcissism, lack of discipline and selfishness. However, an unfaithful person can still fulfill his obligations to his children and ex-partner while living with a new partner. Long-term cooperation between partners is necessary for raising children, but not relationship stability – this will only facilitate and support cooperation. In sexual and relationship fidelity, men generally adopt a female perspective on the matter on a moral level because they are more satisfied in the relationship and it is a priority for women, while it is not for men.

Sexual fidelity is a concept that is not natural. We have it because it is functional and more convenient for partners. We have artificially created a strong moral element to sexual fidelity. Probably for strong individual preferences – peace of mind, similar to how we once needed a practically irrational but socially beneficial religion. The need for monogamy in human society, so that there is something left for everyone, can also affect fidelity and stability. The 10% richest can have 90% of property, but the poor cannot have, for example, 10% of children. They either have children or they don't... So, from the perspective of individual human needs, some things are irrationally consolidated and stabilized for the benefit of society, so that we can function at all. After all, even among the very rich with unlimited financial resources and de facto over time, infidelity and polygamy are relatively rare and at least secret. Polygamous societies function less efficiently than monogamous ones.

Sexual fidelity is not automatic

However, in terms of sexual fidelity, women usually have higher demands on men than vice versa. Women should take this into account in terms of the advantages for men. It is not true that women are physically weaker and therefore have limited opportunities to meet men. Men offer themselves to women and women have more comfortable access to other men in this regard. Similarly, a woman should not remain in a relationship with a qualitatively weaker man just for the sake of morality and fidelity if she wants a better man.

We have a nice relationship. Even after 17 years of marriage and 2 children, my wife is still very pretty, she has many suitors and absolute time and movement (and sexual) freedom. I take care of my wife, children and household. Only when my wife wants something extra, she goes to work. I'm not afraid that she won't find a good partner. In return, I basically only demand a slim figure, without which I can't function emotionally. My wife is sexually normal or rather moderate, and I'm an animal. My wife wants to keep me on a very short leash. Guess which hamster in the picture is me :). For fun, I was surprised how the associations and especially the resulting photo affected my friends and my wife at first - one photo is worth 1000 words :). If I'm supposed to be faithful like a good guinea pig in a terrarium, I want to have a woman from an adult movie in that terrarium in return. Otherwise, it would be too one-sided, and one-sidedness ruins relationships.

The boundaries of sexual and relationship infidelity

If one of the partners is not at home twice a week in the evening - for example, he plays sports, he has a hobby, it practically does not limit the family, if he gives up to 5% of income to sports, no one blames him. If instead of sports or a hobby you have a lover within these financial and time limits, you are just filling your free time without taking anything from your family or permanent partner. Most infidelities, those that are not revealed, however, occur to a much lesser extent. If we condemn such harmless infidelity, we are morally biased.

Feelings are not harmful either. A person today can love multiple people without fundamentally dividing his resources. Many infidelities and romances last for a long time purely on physical and mental attraction without any special time or financial investment.

If it gets to the point where you want to devote your resources to a new partner and hide it from your old one, it's relationship infidelity (see above) and it's fair to say so and leave for your new partner.

Commitments to family must be honored even after the relationship ends

Commitments to children must be honored to a certain extent, even to the woman who gave birth to them. Pregnancy and early intensive care of the child must be borne primarily by the mother for the sake of breastfeeding. Both women must be compensated and continued to be helped in the future. But otherwise, one should follow one's heart.

That's why we have the legal institution of child support and alimony for ex-wives and husbands. It sets a minimum amount that it is appropriate to exceed.

Prevention of sexually transmitted diseases

Protection against sexually transmitted diseases is absolutely essential. Either a condom or, ideally, a health certificate from a trusted person. You are not only protecting yourself, but also your long-term partner and family. A prime example of a negative example was a newspaper article from 2005. A pediatrician found syphilis in the mouth of a two-year-old girl. Her father was orally satisfied by an infected prostitute and then by his wife. She subsequently passed syphilis to her daughter through kisses.

But there are also less well-known and harder to detect sexually transmitted bacteria, which usually do not cause problems throughout life and are only discovered when another complication occurs. In other words, the lack of prevention of sexually transmitted diseases can punish you in up to 10 years. For example, Mycoplasma genitalium (a sexually transmitted disease of about 21% of the population) or Ureaplasma (more like part of the microflora - it is treated when there is an overgrowth and complications), which is found in 50-80% of the sexually active population.

Discipline in the event of sexual infidelity

If you are not very lucky with your partner or extremely lucky, when both of you want a free relationship (such agreement almost does not exist), great discretion is needed in the case of sexual infidelity. Although it practically does not mean anything for the family, the average partner usually takes it very hard. You can easily find out by asking how he/she feels about such things. There is no point in being honest with your partner, who is sensitive about loyalty, or convincing him/her that it is nothing. Simply, let him/her not know about the sexual infidelity.

Don't take pictures. Delete call and text history, emails from chat and trash. Don't take receipts. Don't pay by card. Don't have social networks. I recommend not locking your phone and not having passwords on your PC - it leads to a false sense of privacy - your partner will get to your passwords sooner or later. Be prepared to ask questions - what are you thinking about. Don't stare at your dick all the time. Fully function at home.

Not to have regrets – there's no reason. I've never had regrets after an infidelity. Not even when it was discovered.

Women are more cautious in this regard than men, which is why they often save their infidelity for a trip abroad, where it will remain buried forever.

Infidelity bonus for a long-term partner

Infidelity is a very intense hormonal and psychological issue. It can also revive your interest in a long-term partner. Not because of remorse, but because of the intensity of the experience itself. I'm talking about cases where the lover is nice and you like her, but at the same time you have a nicer relationship with your permanent partner.

Vladimir Koranda